this is what happens when you lie.

everything leaves. not everyone buys into your kind of stirring thoughts and the manner by which you speak. and the truth is, i've been lying to myself for the longest time.

what happens if you lie to yourself?

you are subjected to a slow burning. everything dies. even your own thoughts.

oh, here it is. thought i'll never see it again.

bummer. i just spent thirty minutes of my time for nothing. i was writing stuff about what i've been up to, but i absent-mindedly clicked on the cancel button and now it's gone. darn.

oh well. better luck next time. aaaargh! but i liked that entry! i'll just go home and collect my thoughts. for now, i'm out of order. adios!

this is my life.

i always wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and get out of it with my left foot. in fact, i always wake up in a jolt, although my eyes are near-closed.

i am twenty one, and i have yet to learn how to wake up on time. thus, the jolts at waking up, and a massive headache for the rest of the day. it happens that i sleep harder than i work.

i so love the taste of coke. i especially love how it bites my tongue. and the belching.

this is my life. i am that word clutter. i write and think impulsively. but i enjoy feeling my hands and knees shake each time my thoughts chase each other with erasers. i love pencils. and blue-inked pens.

i sometimes wonder how i can go back to one thought after making love with another. i actually think i'm good at this, because nobody gets jealous. this is the greatest affair. i make love and wrestle with different thoughts. redundancy at work.

it's either people think i'm mad, or they are completely at a loss as to why i even exist. i breathe to trade my body for words. i am a meta-whore.

i am that word, "clutter", and i always wake up in a jolt, on the wrong side of the bed.

i wonder how it is to stand asleep, or form straight lines with circles. i find it hard to write my ts and ls and es without them ending up with cute little curlicues. i'd say those are my favorite letters. just because it's a challenge to cut them in half.

i like the word ancient. that's why i'm fascinated with names. i used to believe that there must be some sacred explanation why parents ended up naming their children. but i ended the fantasy as soon as it came barging at my bedroom door. i was seven when i started hating my name. it's just inappropriate, uncalled for, until this time.

tell me, whoever thought first of naming their sons after fathers? i just think that people can do better than filling the world with juniors, the thirds, or the fourths. i knew a family once whose males counted ten. yes, the youngest of them all is the tenth. at that time, i wished so hard that when he grows up, he wouldn't dare think of naming his son the eleventh. i don't get it at all.

i want to get the videocam we have back home, just to find out what i do when i sleep. do i snore? do i pick my nose or scratch my butt? do i sleep like a bean or like a bear? how have you even gotten here?

i'm mad. i just realized that. i'm clutter too. and i always wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

maybe that is why i think too much. jesus, i think i would like to drink coke now. and bite my tongue when i sleep. i hate my name but i like yours, and remind me of getting that videocam.

ang hirap sa iyo, palagi mo na lang akong binabalot sa mga kung anong kapal na jacket at kumot para lang matigil itong pangangatog ko. peste ka. hindi ka na nakakatuwa.

ayan naman... buhay pa ako.

marami lang akong iniisip nitong nakaraan. at ang kakatwa, lahat ng iniisip ko puro na lang patungkol sa trabaho. kasi naman parang wala na yata silang balak na i-promote ako. gusto ko nang tanggalin ang salitang trainee sa titulo ko.

ayun. wala naman masyadong nagaganap, bukod sa patuloy kong pamamayat. ang mabuti na lang medyo nag-uumayaos na ang pagmumukha ko. sabi ni boss mike (na wala na ngayon), maganda raw ang timpla ng mundo ko ngayon. opo. ngayon lang ako nagpapakasubsob sa trabaho. dun ako masaya ngayon.

at ang dvd. sandali lang. good news. sat-sun off ako hanggang sa bagong taon. ayayayay! pero ganun pa rin. kahit naman palitan ang araw ng pahinga ko, pahinga lang talaga ang gagawin ko. tulog. kain. nood ng tv.

boring daw. pero hindi ako nagsasawa. eh sa masarap matulog, kumain at manood ng tv eh. hehehe.

medyo nakakaintindi na ako ng bisaya. dati, dili ako makasabot. ayan naman. pero ang ipinagtataka ko lang, bakit ba tuwing may matutunan akong bagong salita, palagi na lang bastos ang ibig sabihin? pervert ba kamo? buang ka.

ang buhay ko dito? kapuy! pero masaya. asteeg ang maliit kong pamilya dito: si tere, si ronan, si jet, at ang mga taong umaali-aligid sa buhay namin. asteeg. sobra.

pero hindi yata talaga ako makakanood ng sine dito.

hay. wala akong team na hahawakan. tatlong linggo din yun. masaya ako sa lugar ko ngayon. new hire abay. kakaiba talagang makasalamuha ang mga newbies. madaling turuan. pumasa ako ng csat noong nakaraang buwan. at maganda ang simula ng buwan na ito. at yung unang abay na hinawakan ko, pumasa ng qa sa last week nila. kauna-unahan yata dito.

ayan. puro trabaho. puro trabaho. eto na. listahan ng mga dvds na napanood ko:

- the pianist
- sleepers
- the godfather
- the prince and me
- 13 going on 30
- honey
- full metal jacket
- hamburger hill
- you owe me one
- super size me
- fahrenheit 9/11
- live show
- duda
- the passion of the christ
- national treasure
- latter days
- the terminal
- i robot
- love actually
- big fish

pangarap kong mapanood ang lahat ng pelikula sa mundo gamit ang aking dvd. hehehe.

ngapala, baka makabalik na ako ng manila. january 8 - 24. opo. labing-anim na araw. walang pakialamanan. miss ko na nanay ko eh. tsaka ang aso ko.

tungkol sa pagbalik ng permanente sa maynila, mahirap yatang isipin yun. baka hindi na.

they say the worst is yet to come, and my hands are failing me. my writing is hardly legible these days and it doesn't help that words are becoming stronger: they refuse to stay still at my command.

right. complaining is the last thing i should be doing, as this could probably caused only by spooning out punctuations and erasing and rewriting and erasing and rewriting. i wonder how i can tame my es? they form curlicues at will.

my hands are dripping with sweat and i'm trying to focus my stare at the heap of crumpled paper beside me. somehow, it made sense that this might've been a perfect world had all the papers been crumpled, trampled upon, or sold at junkyards to become slaves. not that it matters, but it's worth the thought. what would it be like without sunday's newspaper?

oh, i've had my share of idealism. all those thoughts-slash-dreams of writing the most sacred of lines and making planets and stars drool. cut the crap. it's total bull to think that now. again, not that it matters.

but it does, and no matter how many times i say that i will no longer write, i know i just can't live with that. it's like a drug thing. my hand stays steady with a pen on it.

it matters that i'm mad and i'm living this dream of whole histrionic dung. it stinks. i believe kesey, but i won't kiss his bloody arse just to say that this is writing. i say fuck it and come over and over again. the word is a whore, and you are to pay your due.

god, i hate it when i shift to sex all too suddenly. but it's true. this is a fucked-up world and we are all sex machines. fuck the words, fuck the papers and pens. i say fuck the alphabet, and i mean all friggin' 26 of 'em. puta mare.

it's true what jano said. anybody can spell, but it'll take a lifetime to create literature. let's fuck it then, because it's so goddam beautiful, with those alabaster legs and full breasts dripping with the moonlight.

we can all make a killing raping neruda, or kesey, or plath, or de veyra, gulle, joaquin, and yuson. god, we can even fuck salinger, or molest whoever wrote the book of songs! let's rape the bible and be holier than thou. let's strip them of their beauty. we can fuck all the writers in the world (and be fucked, ultimately, in return)!

we fuck them because they are magnificent. because they make us think, or not think, and feel, or not feel. because we wanted to be writers just like them. because they are gods and weare their subjects. i say fuck them and fuck them hard until all of us bleed in orgasmic glory.

let's fuck the alphabet and make them come with formed phrases, sentences, metaphors. let's fuck life!

again, the heap of papers. must've made sense to have them parade themselves in their bold crumpled-ness. but that's what it does. and that's what remains of us. we fuck, but we don't kiss anybody's bloody arse.




postscipt: this piece of shit was fucked by empty coke bottles and the goddam cigarette butts. it was originally intended to be called "raping the tenth", but the tenth turns out to be as fucked up as this. i know you don't understand. but that's purpose for you.

nakakaantok ang pumetiks sa trabaho. ang lagay eh, wala kasi akong gagawin. natapos ko na ang kailangan kong tapusin: appraisals para sa reps ko, ang mabangis na excel file para sa performance reports, ang aht update. tapos na rin ang meeting ng team ko. isa na akong bisor na pumepetiks.

sumakit ang tainga ko sa kakapakinig ng mga walang kamatayang punk. me first. rancid. weezer. at inaantok ako.

iniisip ko kanina kung saan nga ba nagsimula ang utak ng mundo. may taya ako sa letra. wala lang. hindi ko lang maisip na naunang natutong nagbilang ang tao kaysa sa magbasa. ewan.

inaantok ako. pangit ang pumetiks-petiks sa trabaho sa araw na ito. eh kasi wala naman akong magawa.

inaantok ako. wala na akong gagawin, pero ayos lang dahil pauwi na rin naman ako. i-plano na lang natin ang mga dapat kong gawin sa bahay:

1.] iakyat ang dvd player sa kuwarto
2.] mag-hilamos
3.] mag-almusal (1 pirasong hungarian sausage at kalahating balot ng bacon. sana lang may kanin pa.)
4.] manood ng dvd
5.] manigarilyo't mag-isip
6.] mag-toothbrush
7.] mangarap na makapagsulat ka ulit (yung malupit, gaya ng dati)
8.] magalumpihit sa kama
9.] i-set ang alarm clock sa cellphone (ang tamang oras ng gising: alas-singko ng hapon)
10.] magalumpihit pa ng konti hanggang mapagod at makatulog

hindi ako makapaniwalang kaya kong himayin ang mga magaganap sa isang umagang ni hindi ko pa man lang nasilayan. pero di ba nga, may hinala akong hindi gagana ang mundo sa mga bilang lamang? kailangan din ng imahinasyon.

inaantok na ako. tama na ang petiks mode. uwian na!!!

minsan ka na lang kung sumagi sa isip ko. kahit sa panaginip.

okay. i'm officially a loser. what now?

i've been working my ass for almost three months now. if you count, that's 90 days. say, take out 15 days of that, which is the maximum number of days that i think i went out for a drink or just hung out. yep. i'm a 75-day loser.

rest days. you hate or love them. you hate them when it falls on tuesdays and wednesdays, but life sucks anyway. and theyare my rest days. let's see: i spend tuesday mornings doing my laundry, afternoon is for sleeping, and nights are either for reading, writing crap, eating, or sleeping again, or watching the same friggin' movie five times in a row. wednesdays? errrr... i sleep, eat, read, write, stare, sing, and watch that friggin' movie i watched the day before. and yes, still five times in a row.

loser!

what led me to this? let's see... movies avoid me, i don't want to go out alone, and  my housemates have weekends off. yes, i'm practically alone. i am now the master of hibernation.

i am meant to be alone.

loser!